yobech505

Solitude

From my own dictionary…soliduous  adj.  sol  id¢ ū us: defining a person who likes solitude, Someone who chooses being alone.

Don’t get me wrong, I like my solitude.  Sometimes.  Well, maybe I like it often.  But I also like company.  Sitting side by side with a cup of coffee, nice.   Had the best of both for a while.

It’s no mystery, then, why I designed my surrounds to that effect.  I have a comfortable place to sit and listen to the warm.  But there is room there for someone else, always.

Of course, there was someone to actually take up that space when I first designed and built it.  That was before she decided that her life had too much going on and there wasn’t room for me. The dreaded words “we can still be friends’ came out of her mouth.  The relationship killer phrase.

It was a mixture of mule manure of course.  There were other reasons, some which she didn’t and never will divulge.  It accelerates the anxiety and makes me question where things really were in the first place.  Who did I remind her of?  Which of my actions sent the note to her brain saying ‘this is not the man for you’?  Didn’t just spill the milk, kicked over the whole bucket and got the cow wet.  Still won’t cry over it though.  

Mark it “Get used to solitude” and kick the thing in the butt.  Lesson inserted where applicable.

So, I return to the solitude. 

I’ve been through it before.  I was actually quite content after the recent divorce to be soliduous. (my own word)  I got that way after the first divorce too.  (Egad.  Who am I, Charlie Sheen?)  Did okay.  And I am fading into that structure again.  Have to become comfortable with these things you know.  I know I am close.  But what if someone does come along? 

That’s a que sera.  I have done the soliduous thing pretty well and I don’t particularly dislike or dismiss it as undesirable.   So there is no need to look.   This whole thing is well beyond my ability to structure as an individual.  It needs to be part of the Karma thing.  I’m on a tack, a course that is, though not determined, balanced, or finding a way to get into balance, as close to the wind as I can get.

I need to make room for both.